last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
