He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
