dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
