I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
