you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
