I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
