Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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