listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
