you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
