I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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