haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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