I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
