woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
