garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
