low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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