apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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