My room smells like vodka and shame
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
