You just made me feel so damn special
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
