The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
