i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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