I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
