I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
