dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
