Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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