i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
