I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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