drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
