There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
