I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
