I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
