She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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