The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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