I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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