Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
