P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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