Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
