I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
