Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
