I cut my penus on the lid.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Thank you for not boning my boss.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
