Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
