She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
