I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
