she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
