On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
