her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
