i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
