Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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