I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
