I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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