What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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