I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
