she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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