i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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