I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
