1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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