i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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