one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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