It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
