I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
