When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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