Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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